Michaels Steps out, Hart Steps up on RAW

Much of the drama on Monday’s edition of RAW centered on WWE’s two top stars… of the mid 1990s.  The show’s two prevailing storylines centered on Shawn Michaels and Bret Hart, each engaged in an epic struggle to make his Wrestlemania dream match a reality.

Shawn Michaels seemed genuinely off in the three-team elimination match, in which DX defended its Unified Tag Team Championships against the Straightedge Society and Big Show and the Miz .  Of course, his character is supposed to be a little off of late, so maybe Michaels was just giving a really convincing performance.  Michaels awkwardly abandoned a flip-up (which Michael Cole explained by reminding viewers that Randy Orton exploited a Michaels flip-up to score a win over HBK the previous week) and then a moment later he nearly botched an elbow drop form the top rope.

After eliminating the Straightedge Society, by pinning CM Punk, Michaels ill-advisedly tagged himself in, just as Triple H was closing in on the Miz.  As Triple H confronted his partner about the hasty tag, the Miz rolled up a distracted HBK for a quick three count.  (Note: I think that the Straightedge Society would have been a better choice for the new tag champs.  Since they didn’t win, I’ll just have to assume that creative has something else [something bigger perhaps] in store for CM Punk.  Plus there’s no way that “Show Miz” will amount to half of what Jerishow was.)

The match was fast-paced, well performed, and dramatic.  It was after the bell sounded, however, that the real drama unfolded.  Shawn Michaels tracked down Teddy Long backstage and desperately tried to convince the GM to sign him to Smackdown, so that he might win the Heavyweight Championship in SD’s Elimination Chamber and entice the Undertaker to face him at WM in a rematch.  When Long refused to put him in Smackdown’s EC match, Michaels snapped.  Triple H tried talking sense into his partner, asking him if he was truly prepared to let his obsession with facing the Undertaker consume his career.  Michaels responded grimly that his “career is over” and then super kicked Long, before walking away down a symbolically gloomy arena corridor.

This image of Michaels, abandoning his teammate and his career in a fit of frustration, was the most effective stroke so far in the telling of Michaels’ journey to Wrestlemania 26.  We personally are more interested than ever in seeing where the story goes.  The only problematic facet of the storyline is how Michaels is increasingly coming across as a heel, his obsession making him self-centered and insecure, his dour preoccupation crashing DX’s party time and time again.  This is problematic because, if a Michaels/Undertaker match does end up taking place at WM, Michaels will look like a paroxysmal child, who got his way through whining and moaning.  The match would suffer from that angle, fail to capture the sweeping face v.s. face drama of the pair’s WM 25 bout.  Michaels’ heelish-ness would also pose a problem for a Michaels/Triple H match (another WM possibility), as the crowd would be unlikely to get behind Triple H over Shawn Michaels.  If WWE insisted that Triple H was the face in their program, the angle would likely fail.

As Michaels was walking away from the WWE ring, Bret “The Hitman” Hart was stepping back into it.  In a great segment at the end of the broadcast, John Cena announced to Vince McMahon and to the WWE Universe that Hart had told him, following McMahon’s and Batista’s assault on the legend on the previous show, that he wanted to compete once more in WWE.  More specifically, Hart told Cena that he wanted to compete at Wrestlemania 26 and with Vince McMahon as his opponent.

While the prospective Hart/McMahon match comes as no surprise, it is somewhat surprising that it is the first match to be announced for WM 26.  With seven weeks to go until the year’s biggest pay-per-view, we can expect a lot of twists and turns in the narrative to come along.  In fact, they’ve already started coming.  After Cena goaded McMahon into accepting Hart’s challenge, the Hitman stormed the ring and jumped the chairman from behind, before taking down three security guards.  McMahon responded to Hart’s ambush by announcing that he’d changed his mind, and he would not face the Hitman at Wrestlemania.  The chairman then repeated “You deserved to be screwed!” as he backwards stutter-shuffled through the backstage curtain, leaving Hart to take out his frustration on RAW’s production equipment (basically black boxes filled with theatrical smoke and gas station fireworks [weak     east coast gas station fireworks that is, not those sweet super nova artillery shells you can get in Iowa or the Carolinas]).  Hart also destroyed the monitors at the ringside announcers’ desk, recreating in kayfabe what he’d done with legitimate rage, on his last night with WWE twelve years ago.

Of course, the question isn’t “will Hart and McMahon meet in the ring at WM.”  The question is “in what kind of match will they meet?”  The prevailing rumor is that the match will morph into a tag team bout, wherein McMahon will take on as a partner his hired hand Batista, and Hart will take on Cena as his.  This scenario is plausible, especially given that the budding Cena/Batista feud has so far been interwoven with the Hart/McMahon angle.  However, we don’t expect the tag match to ultimately transpire.  One reason is that the match would amount to a mixed tag, since prolonged Hart v.s. Batista and McMahon v.s. Cena exchanges would not be believable or particularly compelling to watch.  The mixed tag stipulation is generally awkward to watch and rarely lends itself to an in-ring classic.  Another reason is that the Cena/Batista angle would likely come to a more satisfying (and bigger drawing) culmination as a singles match.

So if the tag match scenario doesn’t come to pass, a street fight stipulation is a likely one for the Hart/McMahon showdown.  A street fight would take some of the pressure off of Hart (who hasn’t competed in twelve years) to live up to his “excellence of execution” past.  Whatever shape it takes, this ultimate grudge match has a built-in Wrestlemania moment just waiting to come out: Vince McMahon tapping out to the Hitman’s sharpshooter.  We’ve waited twelve years to see it… just seven more weeks to go.

Elsewhere on the show:  It was good to see Christian on RAW.  The Champion of the soon to be defunct ECW brand announced that he was soon to be a free agent, available to sign with either RAW or Smackdown ( good news for either show).  To “test the waters” at RAW, Christian challenged WWE Champion Sheamus to an impromptu bout.  Before Sheamus could respond, guest GM Carl Edwards summoned a referee and rang the bell for the champ v.s. champ matchup.  The match was competitive, but in the end Christian unfortunately did the job for Sheamus.

It was a mistake to have Christian lose cleanly.  As the longest reigning (of the recent era) and last ECW champion, Christian has potential to carry a lot of prestige into his next role in WWE.  Plus he gets a consistently positive reaction from fans.  He should be booked as strongly as possible.  Not that the Celtic Warrior should have lost, but giving Sheamus impressive victories is not going to get him over with the unconvinced WWE Universe.

After a backstage segment, which further chronicled Legacy’s excruciatingly slow implosion, Randy Orton announced to Cody Rhodes that they would be facing each other in the ring, later in the night.  It’s bizarre how the Legacy breakup is being booked.  Randy Orton, though he’s been the depraved ringleader of the faction, the golden spike of evil where Rhodes and Dibiase intersect, is getting an increasingly face-like fan reaction.  Dibiase, on the other hand, has been portraying a more mild-mannered character (basically only heel by association at this point) but is getting very little fan response at all.  That Orton lost his match to Rhodes due to Sheamus’s interference is a good indication that creative is listening to the fans, and orchestrating a gradual face turn for the Viper.  Dibiase’s later dismantling at the hands of Cena, however, is an indication that creative isn’t quite sure of what to do with him.  Who knows, though?  If he turns in a strong showing in the Elimination Chamber match, he may turn things around for himself.

CM Punk asking Jarred from Subway to become the Straightedge Society’s Minister of Propaganda was not something I expected, when tuning into RAW.  Next week maybe he’ll approach a Geico caveman about being the Society’s treasurer.   It was a kick to hear Punk say, in his creepily beatific intonation, “Luke, Serena… Go get me Jarred from Subway.”  As fun as it would have been to have seen Gallows and Serena rough up Jarred, it wasn’t in the cards.  DX made the last minute save.

2010 Hall of Fame Watch: The “Million Dollar Man” Ted Dibiase was announced as the first official inductee in the WWE HOF’s class of 2010.  For those readers keeping track of our on-going Hall of Fame competition:  Dibiase holds the number one spot on both Dustin’s and Larry’s lists of predicted inductees.  The announcement of the Million Dollar Man’s induction garners both Dustin and Larry 4 points.  The 2010 Hall of Fame Game score thus far is: Dustin at four points/Larry at four points, for a tie.

For complete lists and 2010 Hall of Fame Game official rules, follow the link below:

http://lateralpress.wordpress.com/2010/01/18/

(Note:  The video package for Dibiase was entertaining and brought back great memories.  Also hearing the brief sound bite of Bobby Heenan saying “Night night, Ham-en-egger” over the image of Dibiase cinching a jobber into the Million Dollar Dream was the highlight of the entire show.)

On the official Lateral Press Ratings Scale, this episode of RAW gets:

Three Stars (out of Five).

Edge and Jericho Reign, Smackdown’s EC Match Takes Shape

Chris Jericho opened Friday night’s edition of Smackdown with a typically great promo, in which he abandoned his usual “best in the world at what I do” self promotion for some good, old-fashioned, petulant heel outrage.  Jericho bemoaned the actions of Edge, whose first order of business upon returning to WWE at the Royal Rumble was to eliminate Y2J from the Rumble match.  Claiming that he was the face of Smackdown and deserved to have his complaints addressed by the show’s general manager personally, Jericho called Teddy Long out to the ring.  When the GM didn’t show, Jericho stomped away from the ring and began searching for Long in the backstage area.  When he eventually found his way to Teddy Long’s office, guess who was sitting behind the GM’s desk?

If you said Edge, you were right.  (If you said Kim Chee… you were close).  It was the Rated R Superstar, sitting in wait for the irate Jericho.  The crowd popped for Edge, which is remarkable considering he’s still basically playing a not quite face/not quite heel character.  He and Jericho had a good exchange, punctuated by Y2J’s assertion that his former partner turned rival would regret having returned to the company, to which Edge replied that it was Jericho who would regret Edge’s return.  The promo work both of these performers do is always effortlessly compelling.  Let’s hope they have many more chances to square off on the mic throughout the coming weeks.

It’s a testament to both Edge’s and Jericho’s talents that their performances on Friday’s show only got better from there.  Jericho went on to qualify for the Elimination Chamber match for the Heavyweight Championship, by defeating Matt Hardy.  The match they put on was much more competitive than anyone who’s followed Hardy’s career of late would have expected.  Hardy got in plenty of good offense and kicked out unexpectedly from numerous near falls.  Ultimately it was Jericho’s moment, though, when Y2J scored a Code Breaker and a clean pin, to secure a spot in the Elimination Chamber.

Edge, for his part, hosted a Cutting Edge segment, with the Undertaker billed as his special guest.   He began the segment by further selling his return and Rumble victory, until Jericho interrupted him and the two had another great exchange.  What made this second Edge/Jericho segment even better was the addition of CM Punk, who came to the ring and more than held his own with the two veterans, before the lights went out to signify the Undertaker’s belated arrival.  The Taker did what any great talk show guest (from Bill Murray to Marv Albert to Joan Embery from the San Diego Zoo) has always done: beat the hell out of the other guests.  It was a well performed segment, which took a great stride toward building interest in the upcoming Elimination Chamber match.

All of the EC qualifying matches were unpredictable and compelling.  In addition to Jericho’s going over Matt Hardy to claim a spot in the bout, John Morrison earned a spot, by winning a triple threat match against Kane and Drew McIntyre.  It was good of Kane to do the job for Morrison, by falling cleanly to an awesome looking Starship Pain.  R Truth secured a spot in the Chamber, when he defeated Mike Knoxx, in another good match, while Rey Mysterio, to earn his spot, defeated Dolph Ziggler, in what may have een the best match on the card.  In the most surprising qualifying out, Batista stepped out of the ring and took a very deliberate ten count, thus handing the victory and a place in the Chamber to his opponent CM Punk.  The crowd didn’t like that, and Punk and his Straightedge Society loved that they didn’t.  It will be interesting to find out exactly what compelled the usually title-driven Batista to forfeit his chance at winning the Undertaker’s gold.  Our guess is that the Animal’s malicious gaze is focused firmly elsewhere… on John Cena most likely.

So by the end of the show, the Smackdown Elimination Chamber looked like this: The Undertaker defends his World Heavyweight Championship against Jericho, CM Punk, Rey Mysterio, John Morrison, and R Truth.  These names beat RAW EC lineup hands down.  This group of performers is likely to put on the best Elimination Chamber match in years.

Inter-Office Tension Runs High on iMPACT!

Mick Foley and Kurt Angle may be the two most disgruntled employees since Sacco and Vanzetti.  On Thursday’s edition of Impact, the TNA stars each had major issues with management.   Angle accused Hulk Hogan of orchestrating the attack he suffered at the hands of Scott Hall and Syxx a week earlier, while Foley continued his bitter feud with the company’s other on-screen bigwig Eric Bischoff.

On the January 28^th episode of Impact, Hogan told Foley that he had one week to decide whether he would fall in line and accept that Bischoff had control over his professional/creative life or else forfeit his position on the TNA roster.  This week Foley confronted Bischoff in the ring, but although he cut a great promo and got way over with the crowd, he said nothing decisive.  It appears that he has chosen option C: keep his job and continue insulting and threatening his boss.

In his promo Foley humorously said that he has a reputation for being crazy, not because of the creative ways he’s unfailing found of putting body through unbelievable torture, but because he likes everyone he’s met in the wrestling business.  He specifically mentioned Marcus Magwell, Paul Heyman, and the James Helwig (the dementedly insecure, widely despised performer formerly known as the “Ultimate Warrior”) as icons of impossible-to-like-ness, with whom he’s never had any issues.  He then stated that Bischoff was the one man in the wrestling business who he absolutely hated.

The Hardcore Legend made the case that he had struggled, suffered, and clawed his way to the top of the pro wrestling business, while Bischoff had everything handed to him.  When he called Bischoff the worst announcer in the history of the business, Taz chimed in with “I guess he never heard of Mike Adamle.”  Taz’s delivery of the line sounded very rehearsed and took away from the intensity of Foley’s promo.

Bischoff responded to this insolence from an irrationally disgruntled employee in the manner that any effective leader would, by putting him in a no disqualification match with another employee.  In this case it was Kevin Nash.

Unfortunately the Foley/Nash match did not match the intensity of its build up.  In fact, it didn’t match the intensity of a tuxedo match.  It was pretty awful.  It came off like a parody of a hardcore match, with Foley brandishing his famous barbed wire bat, as Nash used trashcans and steel chairs to shield himself from each swing.  The only good thing about the match was its brevity.  Nash pinned Foley after only

After the match Hall and Syxx came to the ring and administered a beat down of both Foley and Nash, giving special attention to the latter.  It was surprising that Hall and Syxx (who week after week continue to slip past security at the Impact Zone and make it onto television) went after Nash, who’s been the only proponent of their receiving TNA contracts.  Perhaps they really are doing Hogan’s bidding, or perhaps they hold some grudge against Nash, with origins rooted deep in wrestling’s past.  Either way, all that it means for sure is that we’re going to have to endure seeing Hall and Syxx on TV again (likely next week) so that they might explain their motives.  Lucky us.

Kurt Angle’s grievance with Hogan wasn’t played out during the show to the extent that the Foley/Bischoff angle was.  It actually only amounted to three short segments: one in which Angle accused Hogan of dispatching Hall and Syxx to take him down and warned Hulk that he would be looking for him backstage, a second in which Hogan offered his frustrated response, and a third in which an irate Angle confronted the boss in his office.  Hogan denied that he was behind “the Band’s” assault.  He and Angle traded insults and threats and nothing was resolved.

It will be interesting to see where this program between Angle and Hogan goes.  I doubt that they will ultimately meet in the ring.  The match might do decent business if booked right, but no one’s eager to see a world class wrestler like Angle sell Hogan’s big boot, leg drop combo.  Still, I wouldn’t entirely rule out Hogan’s getting in the ring at some point.  In the meantime, he and Bischoff need to work on employee/management relations.  I can recommend a good industrial organizational psychologist.

Elsewhere on the show:  Mr. Anderson sold himself well in a promo prior to his match with Brutus Magnus.  Anderson bragged that Hogan has named him as the future of TNA.  He certainly seems poised to become a top heel in the company, as strong as he’s been booked of late.  Anderson went on to defeat Magnus and claim a spot in “Eight Card Stud” tournament.  (Note: Later in the show Angle defeated Tomko to gain entry in the tournament as well.   As it stands now Hernandez, Desmond Wolfe, Mr. Anderson, and Angle are the current tournament participants.)

After a sloppy Tag Team title match between Team 3D and Morgan and Hernandez, the Nasty Boys ran (I use the term “ran” loosely) to the ring to assault Team 3D.  Morgan and Hernandez made the save.  TNA continues to devote valuable TV time to building up the feud between Team 2002 and Team 1991.  It will be nice when that one’s been blown off.

“The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero scored a surprise victory over TNA World Champion AJ Styles.  This was a very big moment for Dinero, who not only claimed the “fluke” victory but was allowed several prolonged spots throughout the match, in which he manhandled the champ.  Immediately after the bell, Ric Flair and Styles commenced a beat down on Dinero, and Samoa Joe came to the ring to even out the fight.  The situation devolved into a post-match mele, which security rushed out to break up.  Joe then promo-ed on Styles and Flair from the ring, announcing that he was cashing in his world title shot at the Against All Odds pay-per-view (which, incidentally is the first wrestling ppv to be named after a Phil Collins song since 1996’s “In Your House: Su Su Sudio.”)

Joe stole some of Dinero’s thunder with his announcement, but still pinning the champion is quite a rub for the Pope.  He’s a talented performer, and TNA would be wise to follow through and turn his surprise victory into a major push.

By the way:  During the Styles/Dinero match, when Taz claimed that he’d run into Dinero at an “adult establishment” on Wednesday night, you all assumed that he meant he was in a gay porn theater right?  Okay, just checking.

Knockouts Champion Tara defended her title successfully against Angelina Love.  Halfway through the match, production began suddenly blurring Tara’s chest.  I assume that her tights were pulled down during the action, just enough that some portion of her nipple was exposed.  The blurring didn’t really detract from what was a very well performed title match, after which the Beautiful People rushed to the ring to attack Love.  Tara hesitated for a bit longer than a moment before coming to Love’s aid.

(Note: The blurring was likely due to an exposed nipple, but it also could have been an exposed “WWF” tattoo [what can we say, Tara really loves the World Wildlife Fund.]

On the Official Lateral Press Ratings Scale, this episode of iMPACT! gets:

Three Stars (out of Five).

Edge Retains his Edge on RAW

2010 Royal Rumble winner Edge kicked off Monday’s RAW broadcast, with a requisite post-Rumble win promo, in which the Rated R Superstar did a great job of selling the magnitude of his return and surprise victory.  Though he’s being reiterated as good guy, it was a relief to see that he hasn’t watered down his character.  His edginess (so to speak) was very much present, as were his teeth-gnashing intensity and Machiavellian drive.  He even referred to himself as “the ultimate opportunist,” once the reddest badge of his heel persona.

Positioning edge as an “in between” character is a good call by creative.  Immediately before his leg injury and subsequent time off, Edge was one of the most reviled, unrepentantly mean heels in WWE, so a sudden shift to an affable, fan-pandering baby face would simply not be believable.  Moreover, Edge plays such a good heel (winning by any means imaginable, driven by his insecurities…) that it would be a shame to take such a persona completely away from him.

That being said: He did come off as closer to a face than he has in years, and it certainly helped that he had an altercation with the unpopular WWE Champion Sheamus.  Taking exception to Edge’s comment that he would be smarter to face a man who’s never even competed at Wrestlemania than to face another who’s never lost at Wrestlemania, Sheamus came out to confront Edge in the ring.  After talking himself up, he offered Edge the opportunity to walk out of the ring, before the Rated R Superstar incurred the Celtic Warrior’s wrath.  When Edge refused, the champion took him down with a cheap shot.  Down but not out, as Edge got to his feet a moment later and laid Sheamus out with a nice looking spear.  If the crowd was reticent to support him at first, Edge’s taking down the widely detested young champ certainly inspired them to get behind him.

Before things got physical in this segment, Edge said that he would be doing the “smart” thing and waiting to see who came out of the upcoming Elimination Chamber matches as champions, before announcing for which world title he would be challenging at Wrestlemania.  That too is a good call and should make for some interesting segments over the next few weeks.  I expect to see Edge on this Friday’s Smackdown as well, likely confronting the Undertaker.  It would be cool if he showed up on ECW as well to confront his former partner and current ECW champ Christian, but no one would really believe that Edge would use his Royal Rumble victory to garner an ECW title match at Wrestlemania (seeing as how ECW title matches usually fall between a Divas battle royal and a Raven Simone appearance on the WM card).

Elsewhere on the show:    William Shatner didn’t do anything authoritative as host, other than making the triple threat, Unified Tag Team Title match for next week.  His role was strictly comic relief, and in that capacity he was a very likable and entertaining presence.   His spoken word interpretations of Wrestlers’ entrance themes were great (we were glad to hear him tackle “Sexy Boy,” as we hoped he would in our last RAW write-up), and the RAW Match Negotiator segment, which parodied his Priceline commercials was pretty funny as well.  It was during the latter segment that Shatner made the triple threat tag team contest.  The match will see DX defending their championships against CM Punk and Luke Gallows (the Straightedge Society) and the Big Show and the Miz.  If given enough time (20-25 minutes would be ideal), these six wrestlers could turn out a free-TV masterwork.

DX is likely to lose their championships, probably due to HBK’s being distracted by his burgeoning obsession with the Undertaker.  Our money is on the Straightedge Society to take advantage of a sidetracked Michaels and win the titles.

(Side note:  A very interesting way to end this match would be for the gong of the Undertaker’s music to sound, instantly disconcerting Michaels and giving Punk an opportunity to hit a GTS for the win.  Then it could later be revealed that Punk himself arranged for Taker’s theme to start playing, thus strategically exploiting Michaels’s “Dead Man” fixation.  Such a move would add more prestige to Punk’s heel mastermind persona and possibly set up a Michaels/Punk match for the Elimination Chamber ppv.)

Speaking of the Elimination Chamber, the qualifying matches for the unorthodox world title bout went down rather predictably.  John Cena defeated Cody Rhodes handily to earn his spot, although Rhodes did look impressive when he nailed a textbook moonsalt on Cena.  Later Triple H disposed of Jack Swagger to qualify.  Then Randy Orton defeated Michaels for the third spot.  The ending to this match was well done.  When Michaels flipped up from a splayed-out position on the mat (in the manner he’s done a thousand times) Orton slid under him and rolled him up with a school boy for the pin.  The spot both illustrated how the Undertaker has Michaels off his game and served Orton’s persona as a slippery, unpredictable heel.

The last two spots in RAW’s Elimination Chamber match went to less established wrestlers.  Ted Dibiase went over Mark Henry for his place in the match, and Kofi Kingston defeated the Big Show for his.  The ending of the Kingston/Big Show match was very poorly booked.  Show threw a big right hand, which missed Kingston and hit the referee.  He then threw Kingston out of the ring and went to check on the official, going so far as to signal for help, once he’d discerned that the ref was unconscious.  A second referee came to the ring and promptly disqualified Show, who then walked dejected up the entrance ramp, contending over and over that he didn’t intend to harm the official.  The ending buried Kingston almost as much as a loss would have.  He came out of the match looking undeserving of the win and of his spot in the EC match.  Moreover, Show (who was supposed to be the heel n the contest) came out looking sympathetic, like the victory was stolen from him by ill circumstance.  The ending plus the fact that Kingston double-botched a missile dropkick in the middle of the bout further undid the progress Kingston has made since the summer.

A second confrontation between Bret Hart and Vince McMahon was the emotional centerpiece of the show.  Bret Hart garnered a lot of sympathy, coming off more hurt by than vengeful of McMahon’s cheap shot-ing him a month ago.  He also conveyed his lingering hurt at the years of disrespect and neglect he’d suffered at the boss’s hands.  One memorable line he delivered went: “It took me twenty years to build up a reputation, and it took you three minutes to tear it all down.”

McMahon responded by venomously contending that Hart always lacked personality as a performer and owed all of his success to the strong, compelling characters with whom he competed (he cited Michaels, Mr. Perfect, and  Steve Austin as specific examples).  The chairman’s diatribe came across a little “shooty.”  It has been widely recognized that Bret Hart was never one of the larger than life personalities that have thrived in WWE’s upper echelon; he was never as extroverted as Hogan or Savage or Michaels.  I’m sure that McMahon, however, (like those of us who have been Hitman fans since the late 1980s) realizes that it was precisely Hart’s relative introversion that made him stand out as a champion, that infused the work he did in the ring and on the mic with a sense of legitimacy rare to the circus of pro wrestling, and that made him such a relatable character for millions of geeky young marks.

Hart withstood McMahon’s derision, finally snapping only when McMahon retracted his promise to induct the Hitman’s father Stu into the WWE Hall of Fame, claiming that “he doesn’t deserve it.”  With that Hart began pummeling the chairman and then got a sizable pop when he signaled the Sharpshooter.  Before he could apply the move, however, Batista hit the ring and laid him out.  The Animal then held Hart cruciform and wide open for McMahon to taunt, slap, and spit in his face.  The ending garnered tremendous heat for McMahon and provoked a seemingly unanimous “Cena” chant from the audience.

(Note: I’ve read a few live audience accounts that claim Cena did respond to the chant by running out to the Hitman’s aid, after the show went off the air, and that he did so to a huge ovation.  WWE should have included Cena’s rescue in the broadcast.  It would have been good for viewers to see Cena so over with the crowd and it would have contributed to the build up for the Cena/Batista match rumored to be a WM 26 main event [we’re still holding out hope for a Cena/Undertaker match, though prospects for one grow dimmer with each passing week].)

On the Official Lateral Press Ratings Scale, this episode of RAW gets:

Three and ½ Stars (out of Five)

Review of the 2/1/2010 RAW Coming Later Today

Come back then, and check it out.

Woo Hoo!

The 2010 Royal Rumble: Results and Commentary

Here’s how things went down at Sunday night’s show:

Christian V.S. Ezekiel Jackson for the ECW Championship: This match was booked well, portraying Christian not as an underdog due to his size, but as the tested champion that he is, capable of holding his own against any challenger.  Jackson served himself well, also.  He kept up with the veteran and worked well with him in creating some nice spots.  Christian attempted several Kill Switches, throughout the match, but each time Big Zeke over-powered him.  As Christian wore the challenger down, however, he came closer and closer to hitting the move.  Finally he managed to nail a quick Kill Switch for an impressive, clean pin fall.

MVP V.S. The Miz for the United States Championship: Teddy Long made this match backstage, supposedly only to get back at the Miz for interrupting his impromptu dance party with Tiffany, Cryme Tyme, and the Great Khali.  It was a back and forth battle.  MVP was decently over with the crowd, but didn’t get the response one would expect a face to get, when going up against a heel as reviled as the Miz.  After wallowing in the defensive for a few minutes, Miz fled the ring.  As MVP gave chase, Miz rolled back into the ring and then intercepted him into an inside cradle for an unexpected three-count.  After the loss, an irate MVP attacked Miz and laid him out with a Play Maker, before leaving the ring to a smattering of boos.

Chris Jericho had a funny exchange with The Big Show backstage, in which the former fished for reassurance that the giant would be on his side in the Rumble Match.  Show, of course, told Jericho exactly what he didn’t want to hear, and reaffirmed the match was “every man for himself.”  R Truth then entered into a good exchange with Jericho.  As Jericho walked away, R Truth shook his head and said “bless his heart.”  I’m not sure that one’s going to catch on, Truth.

Randy Orton V.S. Sheamus for the WWE Championship: The crowd was overwhelmingly behind Orton for this one.  The novelty of the heel v.s heel format and the eagerness to see Sheamus lose the belt brought a big match atmosphere to the bout.   Champ and challenger went back and forth evenly.  Orton gained a brief advantage and began sizing up the Celtic Warrior for a skull punt.  Sheamus escaped the impact by rolling out of the ring, where Cody Rhodes ambushed him, in full view of referee Scott Armstrong.  As Armstrong reprimanded Rhodes, Sheamus straggled back into the ring, where Orton nailed him with an RKO.  Orton quickly covered the out-cold Irishman, but Armstrong refused to count.  He instead disqualified Orton for Rhodes’s interference.

The positive crowd reaction Orton garnered in this match at first seemed mostly a reflection of Sheamus’s profound unpopularity, but the crowd stayed vehemently behind him, when he confronted Rhodes after the bell.  When Orton rejected Rhodes’s pleas for forgiveness and physically attacked his protégé, he earned a great pop.  The crowd was also in Orton’s corner when he lashed out against Ted Dibiase, who rushed out to separate his Legacy brethren.  That spells trouble for Dibiase who is rumored to be turning face soon and entering into a program with Orton.  Maybe a face turn is in store for Orton instead.

MIckie James v.s.  Michelle McCool for the women’s championship: This match was too short, considering the weeks and weeks of emotional buildup that led to it.  After McCool heaped some last minute derision onto her challenger (and Layla made another appearance in the “Piggy James” fat suit), James stormed to the ring, laid out both of her aggressors, nailed McCool with an impressive DDT, and then pinned her for the win and the Women’s Championship.

After the match, WWE’s baby face Divas came to the ring, bearing a huge cake, which they cumbersomely handed to James… who then smothered it all over Layla and McCool.  The heels sold the humiliation-by-pastry pretty well.  Watching the segment, however, I couldn’t help but think about how epically Bobby Heenan would have reacted to the caking… writhing around and screaming, as if the icing was acid-laced, clawing to his feet only to slip and fall violently back down a few times… sigh…

The Undertaker v.s. Rey Mysterio for the WWE Heavyweight Championship: This was the best match of the undercard.  Undertaker and Mysterio have surprisingly good chemistry in the ring, which lent itself to some cool spots.  For instance, when the Undertaker sat up suddenly, as he’s done for years, Mysterio instantly kicked him back down with a low-flying dropkick.  At the match’s end, Mysterio hit a 619, which he followed with a dropkick to Taker’s back that led right into another 619.  When Mysterio tried to follow the second 619 with a springboard huracanrana, Taker caught him and scored a Last Ride then made the cover for the three count.  Mysterio looked strong in defeat, thanks in part to some unscripted bleeding on the Undertaker’s part.

The Royal Rumble Match: Number 1 entrant Dolph Ziggler was joined by #2 Evan Borne, and the two performed an entertaining exchange.  Things picked way up, though, when CM Punk came in at #3.  Punk eliminated Borne and Ziggler and then began promo-ing about saving the WWE Universe and becoming the first Straightedge Rumble winner.

The first quarter of the match was built around Punk’s run.  The Great Khali threw a roadblock in the straightedge superstar’s path but was then eliminated by a surprise entry Beth Phoenix (becoming only the second female to compete in a Rumble match, Chyna in 1999 being the other).  Phoenix disposed of the Punjabi Playboy with a kiss before falling to Punk’s zealous mission.  It wasn’t until Triple H entered at #8, that Punk’s crusade came to an end.  His elimination at Triple H’s hands was distinguished enough, and anyway the point had been made by then: Punk is a major force heading into the Wrestlemania buildup.

Then the ring quickly filled with exciting mid-carders like John Morrison, Drew McIntyre, Cody Rhodes, Ted Dibiase, and Carlito, setting the stage for Shawn Michaels to blaze into the ring at #18.  HBK (too) quickly eliminated Carlito, Rhodes, and Dibiase.  He then disposed of McIntyre, in tandem with Triple H.  As DX stood alone in the ring, John Cena entered at #19, to a big crowd reaction.  Cena, Michaels, and Triple H had a good exchange, highlighted by Cena’s double Five Knuckle Shuffle on both men (yeah, that’s a ten knuckle shuffle, I know).

Soon thereafter Triple H hit a Pedigree on Cena and was immediately super kicked over the top rope by Michaels, to the shock of the crowd.  Cena and Michaels alone in the ring then went on a spree, burying young, exciting performers by throwing them out of the ring before they had their chances to make a strong showing.  Shelton Benjamin came in at #20 and was tossed out almost immediately by Cena, who received some notable heat for the elimination.  Similarly the promising Yoshi Tatsu at #21 fell prey to Cena within a few seonds.

The Big show at #22 and Mark Henry at #23, brought some new gravity to the match.  Henry hit an impressive body slam on the Big Show, after which Cena very nearly got Henry in an Attitude Adjustment.   R Truth #25 and had a great moment when he eliminated Henry and Show in one fell swoop (the two big men were distracted by each other at the time, grappling against the top rope).

Kofi Kingston came in at #27 and promptly eliminated Jack Swagger (the #26 entrant) and R Truth, through cool, creative maneuvering.  A month or two ago, Kingston would have been among the handful of favorites to win the Rumble.  It was sad to witness the lukewarm response he got in return for his energetic, innovative work… although the crowd did boo Cena roundly, when he eliminated Kingston a moment later.

The final three entrants were very important names in the current WWE narrative: at #28 Chris Jericho, at #30 Batista, and sandwiched between them the returning Edge.  The camera trained on Jericho’s despondent reaction to Edge’s surprise appearance, driving home the point that Edge was returning as a face and gunning for his former tag team partner.  The Rated R Superstar lay siege to the ring with a series of spears and then tossed Jericho over the top.  Edge was clearly over with the crowd, but I’m not sure if his feud with Jericho registered with everyone.

Batista made his greatest Rumble impact by eliminating Michaels and thus shattering his dream of facing the Undertaker once more at Wrestlemania.  Michaels snapped in response, climbed back into the ring and super kicked referee Charles Robinson, who tried to talk HBK down (I’m happy to say that “Lil’ Naitch” sold the kick beautifully).

From there Cena ousted Batista and then locked eyes with the Animal for a moment, as Edge rallied behind him.  He turned around just in time to avoid a spear, and for a second it looked like the returning Edge was bound for an honorable second place finish.  Another second later, however, Edge dodged a clothesline and used Cena’s own momentum to cast him over the top and score the victory.

Edge’s win effectively blurs the Wrestlemania picture that has been coming into focus over the last few weeks.  Rumors have long suggested that, should Edge return in time, he would be facing Jericho at WM 26.  This seems unlikely now, unless Jericho captures the World Heavyweight Championship before WM (he definitely could do so in the upcoming Smackdown Elimination Chamber match, but it seems unlikely).  So who will Edge face?  A prospective Edge/Sheamus match lacks gravity, and an Edge/Undertaker title bout was done only two Wrestlemanias ago.

And who does that leave for Jericho to face at Mania?

Moreover, the Rumbles finished planted seeds for a Cena/Batista program.  Could that be a possible WM matchup, or will Cena compete for a title (somehow against the Undertaker, as has long been speculated at WM 26’s main event)?

Will Michaels get his wish of facing the Dead Man once more?  Will Triple H seek retribution for his partner’s eliminating him and quelling his title aspirations?  Will Orton break from Legacy, and if so will he emerge as the face or the heel?  Is there a six-foot bat in Gotham City?  Do androids dream of electric sheep?  What exactly did Charles Foster Kane mean when he whispered “Rosebud?”

Like any great Royal Rumble, this one has barraged the WWE Universe with questions to which only Wrestlemania holds the answers.  In the meantime, we are looking forward to watching the Rumble’s fallout on Monday’s RAW… and returning here to make smark-assed comments about it immediately thereafter.

On the Official Laterl Press Ratings Scale, The 2010 Royal Rumble gets:

Three and ½ Stars (out of Five)

Smackdown Goes Home to the Royal Rumble

Tuning into Friday Night’s episode of Smackdown, I expected the highlight of the show to be the Unified Tag Team Championship match, pitting champs Degeneration X against challengers CM Punk and Luke Gallows.  Moreover, I anticipated that Punk and Gallows would take the titles off of DX, freeing Michaels and Triple H to blaze the path to their rumored Wrestlemania 26 showdown.

A verbal altercation between Rey Mysterio and Shawn Michaels and another between CM Punk and Triple H, however, prompted GM Theodore Long to rewrite the evening’s card.  He canceled the Unified Tag Team title match and put DX into two one on one matches: Michaels v.s. Rey Mysterio and Triple H v.s.  Punk.  Both matches were solid, and each told an engaging story, still it was conspicuous that the tag title match didn’t happen.  It makes me think that backstage politics or a shift in the Wrestlemania story lines necessitated the change.  Perhaps Michaels and Triple H backed out of dropping the titles, or perhaps the post-Rumble paths for DX and CM Punk shifted.

The Punk/Triple H match was good, but could have gone longer.  Punk has become the premiere heel in WWE, and this match saw him at his smirking, slithering best.  It also gave his straightedge society a chance to shine.  The kibitzing cultists got involved in the match at every opportunity, shifting the advantage to Punk a number of times and drawing plenty of heat from the crowd.  Finally, when Triple H had Punk locked into the Pedigree, Serena hit the ring like a frantic Pentecostal, throwing herself into harm’s way to save her savior.  Gallows and then Punk joined her in beating down Triple H.  When the tag team champ was dazed and vulnerable, Gallows retrieved the hair clippers and threatened to shave his head.  But before we could be treated to the image of a cue-balled Game, Michaels made the save.

The crowd really brought the heat to Punk, when he hung sleazily all over Serena, like a cult leader exploiting his brainwashed protégé.  Serena was compelling in her role as well, and Gallows is consistently great as the silent brute to Punk’s garrulous sermonizer.  WWE has a powerful agent for story-telling in the Straightedge Society, and all three members are accomplished in-ring performers.  I expect to see Punk back in the main event picture very soon, his new entourage in tow.

The Michaels/Mysterio bout could have been better, but too high expectations may have worked against the two legends.  The match they had was effortlessly solid and had some memorable spots.  The best of which was Michaels’s hitting Sweet Chin Music on a mid-air Mysterio, who had just springboarded from the top rope.  The match ended in a disqualification for Mysterio, as Batista stormed the ring to assault Michaels.  Triple H came to the rescue and tossed Batista and himself over the top rope, leaving Michaels and Mysterio laid out in the ring.  As they struggled to their feet, the lights went out and a familiar gong resounded through the arena.  When the lights came up again, the Undertaker stood over his Royal Rumble opponent and Wrestlemania challenger, both of whom he took down with a double chokeslam.

With this show, as it did with RAW, WWE did a good job of building interest in the Rumble.  Tensions ran high between enemies and partners alike, as everyone this side of Slam Master J guaranteed a Rumble victory.  We head into Sunday’s pay-per-view with a heavily contested Rumble match looming and no runaway favorite in sight.  It should be interesting.

Elsewhere on the show:  Chris Jericho did a major job for R Truth.  As much as it stings to see Jericho lose another match, someone has to step up and give a win to Truth, who’s getting a good crowd reaction and needs to be elevated in the ring.  Jericho has traditionally been a giving performer, when it comes to putting over his peers and up-and-comers.  Hopefully other, less gracious wrestlers won’t through any political roadblocks in front of the rising Truth.

Why exactly was Batista dressed like Farnsworth Bentley when he cut his “I will win the Rumble at any cost” promo?  I really think it actually diminished some of the momentum he’s gathered of late, to be interviewed while wearing a beige, 1920s style cabby hat and exactly matching sweater vest.  Whatever happened to mesh tank tops, zubaz pants, and fanny packs?  That’s what a real pro wrestler wears.

I’m not a fan of the “Piggy James” angle, but I thought Layla was pretty funny (and strangely arousing) in her fat suit.  The Royal Rumble match between Mickie James and Michelle McCool should garner a conspicuous amount of fan interest, given how heavily and…um… creatively(?) the Divas’ encounter has been promoted.

The John Morrison/Drew McIntyre no-disqualification IC title match was a let down.  It was too short and didn’t give Morrison a chance to look strong in defeat.  Based on how this match unfolded, I was actually thinking that Morrison had a chance of winning the Royal Rumble.  After witnessing his defeat however, I did some research and found that Morrison is actually not as of yet listed as a Rumble participant.  It would be a mistake not to give Morrison a showing in the match.  There are, as of Friday night, six unannounced spots in the Rumble.  One will likely be edge.  Two might go to legends making brief, one-off appearances (T.L. Hopper, this could be your year!).  Hopefully Morrison takes one of the remaining three.

On the Official Lateral Press Ratings Scale, this episode of Smackdown gets:

Three Stars (out of Five)

Mr. Anderson steps up on iMPACT!

Mr. Anderson turned in a masterfully mean performance on last Thursday’s edition of Impact and took a huge stride toward establishing himself as a top heel on the TNA roster.  Early in the program, Anderson issued an open challenge to anyone in the locker room.  It seemed obvious that Abyss would be the man to answer the challenge, and had it not been for the corporate intervention of Eric Bischoff, he likely would have been.  Bischoff, however, decided to use Anderson’s challenge to teach Jeff Jarrett a lesson in humility.

Jarrett approached Bischoff and Hulk Hogan in their office and apologized for the insolence he showed in threatening his bosses with legal action two weeks ago.  He added that he was willing to start at the bottom and work his way up the TNA roster.  Bischoff called him out on the gesture and informed him that he would be answering Mr. Anderson’s challenge in the show’s main event.  (Side Note: I like how Hogan is always seated behind the desk in the office, while Bischoff sits on the edge of the desk, grinning down at the Hulkster.  It’s like Bischoff is an eighth grader visiting his slightly cooler friend in homeroom.)

Jarrett and Anderson closed the show with a solid match, in which Jarrett got a very good reaction from the crowd.  It’s remarkable how much sympathy he was able to illicit, given that he’s been playing a self-important heel character on the Impacts prior to this one.  I think that the crowd’s response to Jarrett is indicative of the latent resentment TNA fans feel toward Hogan’s storming the Impact Zone, squaring the ring, pushing his played out friends, etc.  It seems that the crowd has supported Hogan thus far as a means of supporting TNA, but who knows how much longer their solidarity will keep them in check?

More remarkable than Jarrett’s popularity, however, was Mr. Anderson’s performance in the ring.  He set the tone with a great, taunting self-introduction and then proceeded to let his heelishness permeate every move he made in the ring.  He mocked Jarret’s humbling at Bischoff’s hand as well as the fans’ response to Double J.

In the tradition of great heels like Rick Rude and King Kong Bundy, Anderson was not merely unapologetic for but proud of the underhandedness he displayed in the ring, and like those legends, he refused to quit while he was ahead.  After steeling the victory with a low blow to Jarrett, followed by an inside cradle, he continued to lay the mockery and the punishment on thick.  He announced himself as the winner “Mistahhhhhh Anderson!” and then punctuated his post match attack (and the broadcast) with his trademarked second “Anderson.”

With this performance, it certainly looks like Anderson is going to make the best of the sizable push he’s getting from the company.

Elsewhere on the show:  TNA fans were made to sit through another segment built around the Team 3D/Nasty Boys angle.  This time the two teams confronted each other at ringside, where Brother Ray asked the Nasties where they’d been for the last ten years.  Jerry Sags responded by saying they’ve been nasty, are nasty, will always be nasty, play clarinet nasty, bake scones nasty, etc…   I’m not sure but I think the point Sags was trying to make is that the Nasty Boys are nasty.  Okay, well it’s good to know that their team name is not a misnomer, but that doesn’t really answer Ray’s question.  Later in the segment first sags then knobs called Team 3D “Bozos.”  If TNA is trying to come across as a harder-hitting, less family friendly alternative to WWE, management should really ban use of that word during promos.  Brian Knobbs is just downright uncomfortable to watch and listen to, he’s like a Mohawk-mulleted, gravel-voiced, hobbled bulb of perpetually feverish flesh.  I don’t mean to be cruel or to underestimate the shape he’s in; I’m just saying that, if he wrestles at the upcoming Against All Odds ppv, there is a 100% chance that he will die in the ring.

When Sean Morely made his entrance, prior to his match with Desmond Wolfe, the camera intercut shots of a towel-clad Morely and shots of women in the audience watching intently.  This is an old wrestling production strategy, utilized to drive home the point that the entering performer is a ladies’ man; although the women to whom the camera usually cuts away look humorously indifferent to the supposed stud.  However, as Morely whipped off his towel and climbed to the second rope to pose for the crowd, the woman on which the camera focused didn’t look indifferent…. She looked straight up disgusted.  The look on the woman’s face was so priceless that production couldn’t resist leaving the shot in, or so it would seem.

Desmond Wolfe thankfully went over Morely, in the match that followed.

The show featured a great six-woman Knockout match, in which Awesome Kong, Hamada, and Tara took on the Beautiful people.  The crowd was conspicuously behind Awesome Kong, perhaps showing their support for the knockout in her real life feud with Bubba the Love Sponge.  In the end, Madison Rayne stole the victory for the Beautiful People, after laying out Hamada with the “ugly stick.”

I enjoyed the segment where Hogan confronted Earl Hebner about his premature calling for the bell in Angle/Styles match, if only because it’s always great to see Hebner get some TV time.  Moreover it was heartwarming to hear Hulk repeatedly insist that he and Hebner are friends.  Hulk seemed thunderstruck at the idea that Hebner would compromise his professional integrity for money.  Hasn’t Hulk been paying attention to Hebner’s career?  Aside from the Montreal incident, on the very night that Hogan first met Hebner, he was posing as his twin brother Dave for the soul purpose of screwing Hogan out of his WWF Championship, and he did it for the big payoff afforded him by the Million Dollar Man Ted Dibiase.  Let’s hope that Hebner’s kayfabe suspension coincides with a Hebner family vacation and is not because the veteran official is under investigation for selling unlicensed TNA merchandise.

Kurt Angle, cut an old “pro wrestler addressing the audience, management, and his enemies a week after publicly and violently quitting the company” promo.  Then Hogan joined him in the ring, demanding an apology for Angle’s losing control and spitting in the Hulkster’s face the week before.  Hogan really brought the hammer down, telling Angle that he would be fired if he ever spit in his face again.  Most bosses uphold a “three spits and you’re out” policy.

After Hogan left Syxx and Scott Hall, in an answer to nobody’s prayers, jumped the ring in street clothes and proceeded to beat down Kurt Angle.  For two guys who do not work for TNA and who have perpetrated unrepentant physical assaults on audience members, Syxx and Hall sure don’t have any trouble getting through security and onto television week after week.

Foley and Bischoff had a memorable encounter backstage.  Foley accused Bischoff of mutilating himself to make it look as though he had assaulted him.  Then he told a humorous anecdote about his son defecating inside the play tunnel at Chuck E Cheese’s, and confessed that he would rather be the employee who’s job it was to clean the excrement out of Chuck E Cheese’s play equipment than work for a man like Bischoff.  Bischoff responded by reminded the disgruntled Foley that, while he might not want to or need to work in TNA, his good friends Abyss and Jeremy Borash did and that for the sake of his friends, Foley would fall in line.

Amazing Red and Generation Me v.s. Brian Kendrick (THE Brian Kendrick, though not “The” Brian Kendrick) and The Motor City Machine Guns was a great, if short, X Division matchup.  Actually it had to be short given the incredible pace that the six men kept up for the bout.  Brian Kendrick furthered his loner persona by tagging himself in and steeling a pin fall over Red from the Machine Guns, who’d weakened the champ with their awesome tandem offense.

Once the ring had cleared of all but the recovering Red, the British Invasion came with purpose to the ring.  The faction further brutalized Red and then Brutus persuaded Big Rob to give his “Feast or Fire” brief case to Doug Williams.  Rob conceded and Williams instantly cashed in the brief case for an X Division title match with the diminished champ.  After a brief bout, Williams pinned Red with an awesome rolling German suplex and won the X Division championship.  Brutus joined him to celebrate in the ring, while Rob glared at the new champ from outside.

You know those parties where a thirty-something guy gets together with a sixty-year-old guy and a few age-inappropriate women and stand around being excited about how they wear expensive blazers and… well not really doing anything else?  Well, that’s the kind of party that Ric Flair and AJ Styles had backstage at the Impact Zone.  For the duration of the broadcast, the champ and his mentor kept to their little party, talking about Styles’s impending 30 day vacation…. That is until Eric Bischoff informed them that Styles was not allowed to take said vacation and would be defending his title at Against All Odds.  As annoying as Flair’s incessant wooing was, I was kind of hoping that TNA would give him a 30-day break from television.

On the Official Lateral Press Ratings Scale, this episode of iMPACT gets:

Two and ½ Stars (out of Five).

Wrestling/Entertainment Crossover News

The Wresling Observer Newsletter has reported that WWE is currently trying to woo Conan O’Brien into hosting a future episode of Monday night RAW.  Neither O’Brien nor anyone representing him has responded to WWE’s efforts as of yet.

O’Brien, with his absurdist approach to comedy and his prevailing sense of self-parody, would fit perfectly into the world of WWE.  With the controversy surrounding his removal from the role of Tonight Show host, there’s much speculation on and interest in what O’Brien will do next.  It seems unlikely that his next step would be to appear on a pro wrestling show, given the degree of mainstream media scrutiny that step would illicit.  But only time will tell.

If O’Brien does find himself hosting RAW, we hope he brings with him his Late Night and Tonight Show sidekick Andy Richter, an equally gifted comic and longtime fan of pro wrestling.  In a memorable segment on Late Night in 1996, Richter traveled to a Cauliflower Alley function and conducted some hilarious interviews with a number of wrestling legends (most notably Jimmy “Superfly” Snucka, who for Richter’s camera delivered the most inscrutably brilliant promo of his storied career).

________

WWE is reportedly developing a sitcom around the character of Santino Marella.  In an interview with AOL’s Television section, Marella said that filming of the sitcom will begin in two weeks and that the show will air on WWE.com, while the company shops it around to various television networks.

A pro wrestling sitcom seems like a very tough sell.  Still, if any WWE Superstar could make it work, it would be Marella.  His comic timing and affability have enabled him time and time again to rise above the shabby material he’s been given on RAW.  If the show is miraculously picked up by a network, it will likely be as short-lived as the infamous Geico Cavemen sitcom, which ran for few episodes in the Fall of 2007, but will excite fans of pro wrestling nonetheless.

Beth Phoenix and Vladimir Kozlov are slated to star as Marella’s girlfriend and best friend, respectively.

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Chris Jericho, M.V.P, The Great Khali, The Big Show, and Mark Henry all make cameo appearances in the upcoming movie MacGruber.  The movie, based on a recurring Saturday Night Live sketch, is a parody of the 1980s TV series MacGuyver and also stars Val Kilmer, Ryan Phillippe, Kristin Wiig, and Will Forte, in the title role.  It’s set for release this April.

All of the above mentioned WWE superstars are hilariously conspicuous in the MacGruber trailer, which you can see here:

http://www.imdb.com/video/imdb/vi2781217817/

RAW Goes Home to the Royal Rumble

On the final RAW before this Sunday’s Royal Rumble (and before the journey to Wrestlemania 26 kicks into high gear), WWE stayed the course in building up its potential Rumble rivalries.  Within the matrix of the Royal Rumble, partnerships are traditionally put to the test and usually come out on the failing end.  This year is no exception with both Degeneration X and Legacy swimming against the divisive force of the every-man-for-himself event.

The show put the DX and Legacy dissension on center stage by pitting the two teams against each other in the opening match.  Before the bout began, Michaels confronted Triple H, who threw him over the top rope on the previous RAW, to make the statement that he intended to win the Royal Rumble.  Triple H assured Michaels that the pair would always be friends but added that he would never let Michaels’s dream of facing the Undertaker at WM once more get in the way of his dream of winning a world Championship on the grandest stage of them all.  Michaels was positioned somewhat as the heel, in this promo.  He’s playing a consumed character whose obsession is getting in the way of his greatest friendship and professional partnership.  Moreover he’s coming off as a somber element that is harshing the crowd’s DX buzz (he gave Hornswoggle the night off, which the crowd for some reason booed, and interrupted Triple H’s DX intro.).  Still, the crowd would never get behind Triple H over Michaels, and they showed as much by starting an HBK chant as the two friends stare down in the ring.

Their following match with Legacy was solid, though it told the story of the two teams unhinging more so than their competition with one another.  Dissension between DX was especially palpable in the spot where Michaels tagged himself in before Triple H could administer the Pedigree to Cody Rhodes.  Michaels eventually scored the pin after hitting Sweet Chin Music.

Each week brings the imminent DX break up into sharper focus.  If we’re to believe Triple H when he says that he and Michaels will always be friends, then we may be looking at a face v.s. face match between the two partners at Wrestlemania.  Michaels has gotten epic drama out of face v.s. face matches at the last two Wrestlemanias.  I don’t see the drama of this match being quite as potent, however.  For one thing there will be no twenty-year undefeated streak or thirty-six year career at stake and for another Triple H just doesn’t have the emotional connection with fans that Flair did in 2008 and the Undertaker did last year.

After the match, Randy Orton approached a loss-weary Legacy backstage and addressed the tension that’s been building among the three of them.  Offering no words of consolation, he simply asserted that he would win Sheamus’s WWE Championship at the Royal Rumble with or without them.  Orton told Rhodes and Dibiase that he waited “an excruciatingly long time” for Cena to lose the Championship, so that he could once again challenge for it.  But wasn’t Cena’s last title run only about two months.  It’s not like Orton had to wait out Bob Backlund’s seven year title reign of the 1970s and ’80s.

A few months ago talk was big about a Legacy split, with Dibiase coming out as the face who would likely go over Rhodes and become the next rival for Orton.  However, very little has been done in recent weeks to build up Dibiase or fan interest in such a scenario.  A split is still clearly in the works, though, and will likely happen at the Rumble.

Elsewhere on the show:   It’s a bummer that James Roday couldn’t make it to guest host the show with his Psych costar Dule Hill.  Apparently the emergency appendectomy excuse Dule Hill made for Roday was a legitimate one.  I was hoping that Roday, an old school wrestling fan who once appeared on Psych brandishing a Hacksaw Jim Duggan teddy bear, would show up later in the broadcast with Bret the Hitman Hart in tow, but it wasn’t in the cards.  Still, even in his absence, Roday delivered the funniest line of the night, during the segment in which Cena and Hill called him backstage.  Via speaker phone from his hospital bed, Roday said of Sheamus:  “Carrot Top and the Berserker called, they want their translucent, pot sticker of a love child back.”  Then added, “They just want the little guy to come home.”  Any RAW on which the Berserker and Outback Jack are referenced has done right by me.

Much like on the previous week’s RAW, The Miz and MVP had a solid, entertaining back and forth promo, which ended with MVP being unceremoniously disposed of by the Big Show.  The Big Show is a great talent, and it’s always good to see him get TV time, but couldn’t the seamlessly athletic, certified giant be put to better use than burying the number one contender for the United States Championship?  MVP should be getting wins, so that he looks strong going up against Miz for the title.

McMahon venturing into the crowd to ask audience members for reasons why he should bring Bret Hart back into the WWE was an interesting idea.  The crowd was in unanimous agreement that Hart should return to RAW, and McMahon was eager to deny them their wish.  He once again insisted that the Hitman would never appear in a WWE ring again.

John Cena then came to the ring and gave the McMahon/Hart storyline a jolt of new life, when he served as the voice for the absent Hitman, who until then had had no means of defending himself against McMahon’s recent acerbic promos.  Cena was an articulate voice at that.  This promo saw him at his best, cool without coming off as careless, humorous without stumbling into corny.  When he claimed that McMahon cared about nothing but lining his pockets and serving his ego, it could easily have been a shoot.  In the end Cena’s argument was strong enough to win over even the chairman.  McMahon promptly conceded that he would in fact invite Hart back to RAW, and confront him, one on one in the ring next week.

Eve has vastly improved, still it was the right call putting Maryse over and into the Divas Championship tournament finals.  Later in the show, Gail Kim earned the right to face her in the finals by defeating Alicia Fox with an innovative move, which I can only think to describe as a flying reverse stump-puller (or maybe a fall away Sweet Chin Music).  Though she was the vanquished of the two divas, Fox got far more TV time than did Kim, flirting with and later slapping the face of guest host Hill.

The show’s main event, which saw Champion Sheamus take on Cena, was a well-paced bit of old fashioned wrestling.  It ended with Orton Pearl Harboring (as Gorilla Monsoon would have said) the champion, and laying him out with an RKO.  Then Orton, on a beat-down high, went for a second rope DDT on Cena.  Cena countered the move, however, and landed an Attitude Adjustment on Orton.

I think this go home show would have served the Royal Rumble better if they’d ended on a note that made the champion and challenger for the already shaky WWE title match look strong.  Instead, however, Orton and Sheamus were sacrificed to give Cena uber-momentum heading into the Rumble match.  It’s a rather pointless gesture, considering that it’s not likely Cena will win the Rumble.  At least he shouldn’t win it.  Even big fans of Cena would rather see a fresh face claim the victory and go on to Wrestlemania.

William Shatner is set to host RAW next week.  This is good news, in that it gives us hope of witnessing two events:  One, Shatner in black tuxedo performing spoken word interpretations of Wrestlers’ entrance themes (“I’m just a sexy boy.  Sex… EE BOY!”), and Two, a confused Shatner forgetting what decade it is and once again plugging Techwar, before monkey-flipping Jerry Lawler into the crowd.

On the Official Lateral press Ratings Scale, this episode of RAW gets:

Three Stars (out of five)